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  "You could have fooled me! And don't call me mate. What do you think your cunt's for, sitting on?"

  "No, but..."

  "We all survive by selling something, Trudie, and you'll survive by selling your cunt."

  "You'll survive by selling my cunt, you mean!"

  "Christ, it doesn't matter who sells your cunt, think of the money we'll make! It's only a wet hole, after all."

  "It's my prized possession!"

  "Stop arsing on about your cunt! OK, the package will consist of an evening meal on Saturday, served by naked waitresses with candles stuffed up their fannies and chains clamped to their nipples, followed by a night of rampant filth. After a traditional Sunday breakfast of fanny-warmed sausages and..."

  "What would Miss Chaste say if I served her with a candle stuffed up my fanny and chains clamped to my nipples?" Trudie frowned. "And as for Colonel Buckshot..."

  "No, no we'll keep the guests and residents out of the way - gag them and tie them up in the understairs cupboard for the weekend. Two hundred pounds all in - what a nice little earner! And tax free! God, at long last I'm going to be free of financial worries."

  "You'll have the bloody law onto you!" Dave laughed, wiping the plates with the sperm-drenched tea towel.

  "I've already got the entire fucking establishment onto me simply because I'm trying to survive. I'm only trying to run my own business and I'm constantly fined for it! VAT, Inland Revenue, business tax... fucking thieving bastards! OK, I'll need handcuffs, a whip..."

  "I've got a whip," Trudie grinned sheepishly, scooping sperm out of her sex crack with her slender fingers.

  "Oh, good! Er... a whip? How come you've got a whip?"

  "I... I can't remember. I must have found it somewhere."

  "Well, that's a start. I'll have to get hold of some leather straps, dildos, KY-gel, vibrators, nipple clamps, butt plugs..."

  "I've got all that stuff in my room."

  "Trudie! My God, you're a horny..."

  "Goldie and I... well, we have lots of sex equipment," she mumbled, sucking her wet fingers.

  "Excellent! So, you're all for the idea?"

  "Only if you pay me properly, mate."

  "Of course I will. Five percent."

  "What did you say?"

  "It'll pay the rent. And don't call me mate! Right, I'm going to place the adverts. I'll talk to you about the wedding reception food later, Dave."

  Grinning as Mike left the kitchen, Trudie opened the fridge and grabbed a cucumber. Passing the fruity phallus to the chef, she hoisted her skirt up and leaned over the sink. "Well?" she giggled. "How about giving my bum a cucumber sandwich?"

  "You can't get enough, can you?" Dave chuckled, dipping the cucumber into a butter dish.

  "No, I can't! Shove it right up my bum!"

  "Right, here it comes!"

  Parting her taut buttocks, Dave pressed the end of the green shaft against the girl's brown ring, grinning as he watched the delicate tissue expand, allowing the cold fruit to slip into her rectal duct. Her bottom-hole stretching to capacity, she gasped as inch by inch of the gnarled shaft drove into her hot bowels, massaging her inner flesh, bloating her pelvic cavity. Grimacing, she parted her feet further as Dave rotated the cucumber, bringing her electrifying sensations of anal abuse.

  "Now my cunt!" she cried, her lust juices coursing down her inner thighs. "A big potato! I want a big potato in my cunt!"

  "How about one of these?" Dave grinned, taking a baking potato from the worktop.

  "Yes, yes! God, my bum feels good!"

  Kneeling behind his dish of the day, Dave parted Trudie's swollen vaginal lips, exposing the drenched, pink entrance to her neglected sex duct. Pushing and twisting the potato between her splayed vaginal lips, he eased the vegetable into her hot cunt to the accompaniment of her gasps of pleasure as she slowly gyrated her hips. The potato finally disappearing into her bloated vaginal cavern, he closed her fleshy lips and stood up.

  "How's it feel?" he asked, eyeing the cucumber emerging between her rounded buttocks, her brown flesh stretched tautly around the green shaft.

  "Heavenly!" Trudie gasped, gingerly standing upright and turning to face the accomplished chef. "Christ, it's like having two bloody great cocks stuffed up my holes! Now lick my clitty and bring me off."

  Kneeling before the girl as she pulled her skirt up, Dave stretched her sex slit wide open and licked the tasty wet flesh surrounding her solid clitoris. Gasping, her lust holes crudely bloated, she leaned back and gripped the sink to support her trembling body as the birth of her orgasm stirred within her womb.

  "Ah! Ah, that's nice!" she sang as her clitoris pulsated and her cunt tightened, gripping the huge potato. "Keep licking! Ah, yes!" Grabbing the end of the cucumber, Dave thrust the fruit in and out of her anal tube, taking her closer to her climax as she trembled with sensations of debauched sex. "Coming!" she finally wailed, her raven tresses veiling her sex-flushed face. "Lick my clit faster! Ram the cucumber right up my bum! Ah, oh, oh!"

  Clinging to the sink as her orgasm rocked her body, Trudie threw her head back and closed her eyes, lost in her sexual delirium. Her pussy sheath rhythmically tightening around the potato, the cucumber massaging her rectal duct, her clitoris pulsating in orgasm beneath Dave's sweeping tongue, she almost passed out in her carnal heaven. On and on her orgasm rolled, her lust juices decanting, pooling on the tiled floor between her feet as the incredible anal sensations mingled with the electrifying pulsations emanating from her clitoris, permeating her very core.

  "Stop now!" she finally gasped, her head lolling forward. "God, that was heavenly! You're almost as good as Goldie!"

  "Christ, I could fuck you again!" Dave grinned, his penis solid, his balls rolling as he rose to his feet. "I suppose I'd better start thinking about preparing the lunches."

  "And I'd better do the rooms," Trudie smiled, grabbing the cucumber and slowly sliding the hot shaft out of her tight bottom-hole. "Ah, ah! Oh, that's nice!" she whimpered, her body shuddering.

  "What about the potato?"

  "I'll leave it in my pussy, it feels nice."

  "Bring it back before twelve, I'm doing jacket potatoes for lunch."

  "It'll be ready-cooked by then!" Trudie giggled, placing the cucumber in the sink and tugging her skirt down.

  "I'd better wash that before I use it!" Dave laughed. "It's for the side salads!"

  "Argh! I think I'll skip lunch!" she returned, walking to the door with cunny juice dripping from her rubicund pussy lips. "I'll see you later."

  Approaching reception, Trudie stopped and gazed at Mike sitting at the desk opening the mail. Poor man! she reflected. He'd been running the hotel for five years and hadn't made a penny. The debts piling up, the building falling into a state of disrepair, he was desperate for cash. Discerning businessmen! she giggled inwardly, tugging her miniskirt down to conceal her dripping pussy slit.

  "Hi, mate - where's Goldie?" she asked, leaning on the desk, her dark eyes sparkling with a lustful desire.

  "Still in the dining room," Mike replied, looking up as the phone rang. "And don't call me mate! I've placed the adverts."

  "When will they be out?"

  "One mag said later this week - I was lucky with my timing, it seems." Lifting the receiver, he grinned as the royal voice purred in his ear.

  "Would one be kind enough to send a cup of coffee to one's room, please?" Princess Christina articulated.

  "Certainly, Your Regalness. One will see to it that one's request is dealt with straight away, Your Magesticness."

  "Thank you."

  "Thank you, Your Most Highly Esteemed Esteemedness."

  Replacing the receiver, Mike turned to Trudie. "What a pleasant change it is to have nobility staying at one's establishment!" he grinned proudly. "Etiquette, eloquence, refinement... what a refreshing change! Right, Her Aristocraticness requires coffee. Don't give her that half price instant chicory shit, use the ground coffee."

  "OK, mate," Trudie oblig
ed as the potato massaged her drenched vaginal walls, sending electrifying sensations through her pelvis. "Ah, oh, that's nice!" she breathed, wriggling her shapely hips.

  "What is?"

  "Er... ah! Nothing."

  "What's the matter with you, girl, do you need the loo?"

  "No, no it's OK."

  "Take Her Royalness some coffee and then do the rooms. If she does want a lady- in-waiting, tell her I'd be delighted to oblige."

  "OK, mate," Trudie smiled, brushing her dark hair back and walking to the kitchen, her cunny juice coursing down her thighs.

  "And stop calling me mate! What do you think I am, a bloody condom?"

  Sifting through the paperwork strewn across the desk, Mike looked up in surprise as a police officer entered the building. Shit, I'll bet it's about my fucking car tax! "Good morning, how can I help you?" Or the local paper!

  "Good morning, sir. I'm Inspector Dickwipe from Pox Green station. We're visiting all the hotels in the area warning of a young woman who's going around posing as anything from a baroness to a duchess."

  "Really?" Mike gasped.

  "Yes, she books in for a night or two and then disappears without paying her bill. Several hoteliers have lent her cash, believing her to be royalty. Would you be good enough to notify us if she turns up here?"

  "Er... yes, yes of course. Thanks for the tip-off."

  "Don't I know you from somewhere?" the officer asked, his narrow eyes frowning, looking Mike up and down.

  "Er... no, no I've never been sketched in my life. What I mean is..."

  "I could have sworn I'd seen a picture of you somewhere. It'll come to me later, no doubt."

  "Yes, no doubt."

  "Good day to you, sir."

  "Good day." Oh, shit!

  Watching the officer leave the building, Mike rubbed his head. "Fucking bastard!" he cursed, kicking the reception desk and stubbing his toe. "Ouch! Shit, fuck, bollocks! What a bloody great morning this is turning out to be!"

  Chapter Two

  Knocking back his fifth glass of neat vodka as he nursed his aching toe at the bar, Mike wondered what to do with the so-called Princess Christina. Deciding to pay Her Whoreness a visit, he took the skeleton key from his pocket and bounded up the stairs. I'll give her fucking princess, he mused, creeping along the hall. Must take a look at the local paper. Quietly unlocking her door, he slipped into the room to find the young woman relaxing on the bed, wearing only her bra and panties.

  "Oh!" the scantily clad beauty gasped in embarrassment as Mike stood at the end of the bed gazing at the swelling patch of blue silk covering her bulging sex lips. "Isn't it customary for one to knock?"

  "If you were a princess, then I'd have knocked, but seeing as you're an imposter, nothing but a slut-bag of a commoner, I just barged in."

  "An imposter? A commoner? But one's..."

  "And you can cut out the one crap, Your Peasantness. You're no more royalty than the bloody milkman! You're a plebeian trollop!"

  "Honestly, I can assure you that..."

  "You're headfirst in deep shit, you know. If I were to turn you over to the cops, they'd..."

  "But I'm..."

  "First of all, I want cash up front for the room and food."

  "Yes, of course," the dark beauty replied, reaching for her handbag. "I must say that I have never been treated like this before!"

  "You've never stayed here before! Fifty quid will do for starters, Your Slagness."

  "Yes, there you are. Now, I really must ask you to..."

  "You have two choices - either you face the police, or you strip off and show me your naughty bits."

  "Strip off? But..."

  "Allow me to have my wicked way with you, and I'll keep quiet."

  "I'm not going to allow you to do anything of the sort! How dare you come in here and make such a vulgar suggestion!"

  "The police have just called. It seems that you go around posing as a baroness, a duchess, a princess or whatever - and then run off without paying your bills. Shall I ring them, or will you shed your fine lingerie and show me your tits and your dripping wet cunt slit?"

  "You're disgusting!"

  "I do my best."

  "Never in my life have I..."

  "Life's a pair of dirty knickers - it stinks. Well, how about it? A rampant session of unadulterated sexual filth - or prison?"

  Obviously contemplating her predicament, the young woman frowned as she folded her arms, covering her swelling bra. She was in her early thirties, Mike reckoned, admiring her curvaceous hips, her smooth, flat stomach, the gentle rise of her sex mound. Would she allow him to use her, to fuck her senseless in return for keeping quiet? he wondered. Unfolding her arms, her hazel eyes sparkling, dazzling him, she'd obviously reached a decision.

  Raising her buttocks, her face flushed with shame and embarrassment, she tugged her panties down, displaying her well-trimmed chestnut pubes, her pink vaginal crack to Mike's mesmerised eyes. Kicking the silk finery off her feet, she sat up and unhooked her brassiere, peeling the delicate cups away from her pert breasts and reclining on the bed with her legs parted. Not wasting any time, his mind brimming with lewd ideas, Mike grinned.

  "What's your name?" he asked the pupated creature, his eyes transfixed on her moist, protruding butterfly wings.

  "Elizabeth," she replied softly, averting her gaze.

  "OK, Elizabeth, if that's what you want to call yourself - finger your cunt," he instructed her crudely. "Go on, finger your juicy cunt hole and frig your clitty. I want to watch you bring yourself off."

  Closing her eyes as she complied with his humiliating demand, the naked beauty reached beneath her leg and slipped two fingers between her swelling cunt lips, deep into her hot vagina. Massaging her exposed clitoris with her free hand, she began to breathe deeply, her nipples becoming erect, her areolae darkening.

  Watching the female masturbation show, Mike contemplated the incredible situation. A stroke of luck, he thought, surveying the panting brunette's busy fingers. Not only had he had her money up front - he was about to have her! Realizing his pole position, he devised his wicked plan. He'd screw her pussy, he decided, and then fuck her tight bottom-hole and fill her bowels with his spunk. Thrash her for her impertinence? Yes, why not?

  Her creamy cunt juices decanting down her hand as she crudely finger-fucked her blatantly displayed love hole, the unlikely princess massaged her clitoris faster, arching her back and rolling her head from side to side as her climax approached. Mike had suspected that her arousal was as fake as her persona - but her mouth open, gasping, sweat glistening on her naked body, her sleek bob in disarray, she was obviously about to come. Her breasts wobbling like royal jelly, her stomach rising and falling, she whimpered as her orgasm finally welled from her contracting womb and gripped her defenceless body.

  "Oh, oh!" she gasped. "Oh, one's... one's arriving!" Her face grimacing as Mike knelt by the bed and sucked her sensitive nipple into his hot mouth, she sang out as her body shook violently. "Ah, yes! Yes!" Moving her hand aside, he took over the clitoral massaging, sustaining her climax as he gently bit on her erect nipple, adding to her incredible sexual pleasure. "Ah, ah, that's beautiful!" she cried as exquisite sensations of sex rippled through her trembling body. "Oh, I have never... take me now! Please, take me, use me!"

  Standing and whipping his trousers off, Mike ordered his frantic guest to turn over and bring her knees up to her chest. Urgently positioning herself on all fours, Elizabeth moved her slender body back, her firm breasts squashed against her knees, her buttocks projected, her cunt lips bulging invitingly beneath her brown bottom-hole. Leaping onto the bed, Mike knelt behind her, his rock-hard penis in his hand, his swollen knob glistening, aching for the welcoming heat of her tight receptacle.

  Placing his glans between her fleshy pussy lips, he located her sex hole and moved forward, his veined shaft entering her fiery sheath, his belly pressing against her taut buttocks as he completely impaled her on his love stake. Withdraw
ing until her swollen outer lips hugged his bulbous glans, he drove into her again, his knob battering her cervix, his belly slapping her rounded buttocks as he urgently fucked her.

  "Oh, it's heaven!" she cried, rocking her elegant form back and forth to meet his rottweiler-style penile thrusts. "Oh, God, it's beautiful!"

  "It's a shame you're not royalty," Mike breathed as he drove his knob home again. "I've never fucked a princess!"

  "Oh, oh, it's been so long since..."

  "Since you were well and truly fucked?"

  "Yes, yes! Ah, oh!"

  Gazing at his glistening shaft as it repeatedly withdrew from her drenched honeypot and impaled her, Mike turned to face the door, winking and holding a finger to his mouth as Trudie appeared with a tray of coffee. Staring in disbelief at the un-royal tableau, perplexed as to how Mike had pulled the gasping princess, she placed the tray on a side table and discreetly joined the copulating pair on the bed. Reaching beneath Mike's swinging balls, she massaged the whimpering lovely's swollen clitoris with her vibrating fingertips, desperate to drink the juices of lust from her drenched vaginal duct.

  "Coming!" Mike gasped, his glans swelling within the wailing woman's contracting vaginal sheath as his sperm coursed up his penile shaft. His belly loudly slapping her quivering buttocks as her clitoris erupted in orgasm beneath Trudie's massaging fingertips, Mike loosed his spunk, his bulbous glans throbbing as his male cream jetted from his purple plum, bathing her hot cervix, filling her burning cunt to the brim.

  "Oh, oh!" the rogue royal cried as Trudie forced a finger deep into her bottom-hole. "Ah, that's nice! Oh, ah, Shangri-la!" Massaging Elizabeth's inner anal flesh and caressing her pulsating cherry, Trudie sensed her own pleasure button swell, her juices of arousal seeping from her hot lust pot and trickling over her inflamed pussy lips.

  Lost in her sexual euphoria as Mike released his spent cock from Elizabeth's snug roost and moved aside, Trudie slipped her finger out of the woman's bottom-hole and lay on the bed with her head between Elizabeth's thighs. Lapping up the spunk and girl-juice oozing from her inflamed sex cavern, Trudie lifted her skirt and massaged her own joy-bud, taking herself to a shuddering orgasm as she licked between Elizabeth's rubicund vaginal lips, drinking from her hot lust duct.